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more rant

i dont really like my narrative design lect. hes fine enough i guess, but i just feel like he was a bit condescending towards me in class. idk if this is just a hormones thing or what but man i felt on edge the whole day since that class having a minor meltdown at lala lol i feel it is a little funny for a games design student to not have played much games before but. yanno maybe i just like the games i do play? theres nothing wrong with that. we never had a console at home, at most i would play pokemon on an emulator cuz thats what my brothers played. most of my childhood i spent reading novels and fanfics, not playing games. in fact my fanfic reading was so intense that i would miss school days. the other games i eould play were flash games on y8 or facebook but those dont exist anymore. the way he said like just because he didnt have a console at home he went to cyber cafes and borrowed relatives' consoles felt condescending to me. like bro what u want me to do? my kid self wasn...
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letting off steam

 my grandma is staying over because it's my moms turn to take care of her this week. my aunt, her main caretaker, is currently traveling.  I have a lot of things to complain about that i can't say to anyone but i just really need to get it off my chest.  i love my grandma, dont get me wrong, but it just feels suffocating because i have to basically give up my room to her. she currently occupies my bed and i sleep on the floor, so my back always hurts when i wake up even though my mom just got me a foldable mattress. i also can never really get privacy since she will come in at anytime to my room. worse still, since she moves around on a wheelchair, sometimes she moves the extension cord in a way that cuts the electric supply, effectively cutting power to my laptop. Due to a previous incident where she caused this while i was drawing and I almost lost the drawing i had worked hours on, I don't digitally draw anymore when she comes over. now i dont even stay in my room much...
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more random thoughts

feeling a lil sad shared an event in my friend gc that i wanna go to on my bday and there was barely a response. i get if they wouldnt be free since its a weekday, but i wouldve appreciated if they said so instead of just silence...  im not that good at remembering bdays either but i already said it would be mine... hmm...  feeling a little bit bitter since theyre so quick to react to some new character in gi haha. at least my uni friends are free to spend my bday with me i love my friends and the bond we have, i just feel a little overlooked sometimes... is it bad i feel this way? even last year, only one of them wished me a happy birthday and i didnt wanna bring it up in the gc i talk big about wanting to make a gift for myself that i wouldve appreciated from someone else but i havent started on it at all lol. guess i should be doing that soon had yummy pasta. i put too much sugar in the sauce tho... 
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random thoughts at 4 am

sometimes i wonder if my parents regret having me. i think if they read this they would feel very hurt. but i can't help but wonder - was i worth all the pain and distress i caused them growing up? all the self inflicted problems i dug myself into, the times i drove my mother to tears until she couldn't help but just call my grandpa and cry. at one point in my life, i was a very difficult child. starting from that point in my life, i distanced myself from my family, thinking that they were all ashamed of me and that they knew what i put my mother through and disdained me for it. i still remember the time i refused to get out of the car to go to my aunt and uncle's house. my cousin had to step out and coax me outside, while my childish self was brewing with self-hatred and shame and guilt, thinking, why are you being kind? i don't deserve this. leave me alone. my cousin somehow managed to coax me out. i had hung my head in shame as my aunt and uncle conversed with my par...
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Confession

 I've never had anyone who desired me romantically. Ever since I knew what crushes were, I've had countless crushes on different boys. They didn't even have to be particularly good-looking -- I've had crushes on boys who had simply said 'hi' to me or just be a kind person. In primary school, I feel like I switched crushes every few days. Of course, children get crushes all the time. The thing is that I've never been on the receiving end of one -- from back then until now.  I've always thought that it was because I didn't fit the beauty standard in Malaysia -- fair-skinned, large doe eyes, a petite figure. I was tan, with smaller eyes, and I was self conscious about my crooked teeth. The friends I made growing up all seemed to fit the beauty standard in some way. I always thought that in every friend group I was in, I would be the ugliest and therefore be able to make my friends look prettier. My best friend growing up seemed to have interested boys a...
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Self-reflections

 Hello. It's been a while since I last came here, huh?  I used to love writing a lot. When I was younger, me and my siblings had to fight over whose turn it was with my mom's laptop, which she mostly used for work. On that laptop, I played pirated Pokemon games with emulators, surfed the web, played flash games on Facebook, and wrote. But the period I wrote the most was when I got my own laptop --- a gift from my mother for getting a good results in my UPSR exams. It was a cheap laptop, pink in color, and I loved it. The first thing I checked to see was if it had Microsoft Word installed. I was immediately heartbroken when there wasn't, and begged my mom to have it installed. In the meantime, I wrote on the default note application, wistfully thinking that I could have been able to access so many tools in the Microsoft Word application.  A while later, Word was installed in my little cheap pink laptop. I was thrilled, and I remember spending most of my time writing. Fanfi...
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Update

 I'm currently a UiTM student! Hahaha I always forget that I have this blog going so it's a pretty empty space now. Currently sitting with a friend while doing work. I have a manga open in my phone and 10242197412 more after it lol. Addicted to reading them these days. My roommate is in her final semester so this coming month or so will be the last I will see of her. She's super cute and nice and very kind. She loves cats and calls her family often; they're an endearingly rowdy bunch. I ate a lot today. But I skipped breakfast (accidentally) so I suppose I can excuse my heavy lunch. But the waffles that I ate afterwards are definitely pure self-indulgence on my part. I should probably save up money... I know a little bit of the campus roads now. I thought it would be hard to adjust but after a few trips around it becomes easier to navigate, and I'm a little more confident in my sense of direction. That's it for now. I'll see you soon!
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