jades




 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Confession

 I've never had anyone who desired me romantically. Ever since I knew what crushes were, I've had countless crushes on different boys. They didn't even have to be particularly good-looking -- I've had crushes on boys who had simply said 'hi' to me or just be a kind person. In primary school, I feel like I switched crushes every few days. Of course, children get crushes all the time. The thing is that I've never been on the receiving end of one -- from back then until now.  I've always thought that it was because I didn't fit the beauty standard in Malaysia -- fair-skinned, large doe eyes, a petite figure. I was tan, with smaller eyes, and I was self conscious about my crooked teeth. The friends I made growing up all seemed to fit the beauty standard in some way. I always thought that in every friend group I was in, I would be the ugliest and therefore be able to make my friends look prettier. My best friend growing up seemed to have interested boys a...
Read more

more random thoughts

feeling a lil sad shared an event in my friend gc that i wanna go to on my bday and there was barely a response. i get if they wouldnt be free since its a weekday, but i wouldve appreciated if they said so instead of just silence...  im not that good at remembering bdays either but i already said it would be mine... hmm...  feeling a little bit bitter since theyre so quick to react to some new character in gi haha. at least my uni friends are free to spend my bday with me i love my friends and the bond we have, i just feel a little overlooked sometimes... is it bad i feel this way? even last year, only one of them wished me a happy birthday and i didnt wanna bring it up in the gc i talk big about wanting to make a gift for myself that i wouldve appreciated from someone else but i havent started on it at all lol. guess i should be doing that soon had yummy pasta. i put too much sugar in the sauce tho... 
Read more

random thoughts at 4 am

sometimes i wonder if my parents regret having me. i think if they read this they would feel very hurt. but i can't help but wonder - was i worth all the pain and distress i caused them growing up? all the self inflicted problems i dug myself into, the times i drove my mother to tears until she couldn't help but just call my grandpa and cry. at one point in my life, i was a very difficult child. starting from that point in my life, i distanced myself from my family, thinking that they were all ashamed of me and that they knew what i put my mother through and disdained me for it. i still remember the time i refused to get out of the car to go to my aunt and uncle's house. my cousin had to step out and coax me outside, while my childish self was brewing with self-hatred and shame and guilt, thinking, why are you being kind? i don't deserve this. leave me alone. my cousin somehow managed to coax me out. i had hung my head in shame as my aunt and uncle conversed with my par...
Read more