random thoughts at 4 am

sometimes i wonder if my parents regret having me.
i think if they read this they would feel very hurt. but i can't help but wonder - was i worth all the pain and distress i caused them growing up? all the self inflicted problems i dug myself into, the times i drove my mother to tears until she couldn't help but just call my grandpa and cry.
at one point in my life, i was a very difficult child. starting from that point in my life, i distanced myself from my family, thinking that they were all ashamed of me and that they knew what i put my mother through and disdained me for it.

i still remember the time i refused to get out of the car to go to my aunt and uncle's house. my cousin had to step out and coax me outside, while my childish self was brewing with self-hatred and shame and guilt, thinking, why are you being kind? i don't deserve this. leave me alone. my cousin somehow managed to coax me out. i had hung my head in shame as my aunt and uncle conversed with my parents, slipping in thinly veiled questions of concern. that time, i thought - this is it. they definitely hate me now. i've caused such trouble. i don't deserve their love.

i wonder if they know the troubles i put my parents through. i wonder if they would still love me, knowing that.

i still think i don't deserve love. i crave it, from my family and friends, but i still feel so, so guilty when i'm shown an ounce of care. why do you care? why do you love me? i've been a terrible person behind your backs. the person you see and the person i am are vastly different. if you knew the things i've said and done, could you still love me?

i hope my mother never reads this. mama, you're an amazing person and the best mother i could've ever had. i'm sorry i wasn't the best daughter. i don't have any big achievements for you to be proud of. just lousy drawing skills that i won't even put to good use. i don't even know what i want to do in the future. 

i wrote something very morbid just now. i deleted it because i think releasing these thoughts would be too damning. let them stay in my heart and fester like an open wound. my deepest wish, one that i never want my parents to know of.

i really should stop staying up so late. these late hours always make me so very sentimental. when i wake in the next day, these words will be cringeworthy and something i would never write in my right mind. but for now, these words are purely honest and unfiltered.

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