letting off steam

 my grandma is staying over because it's my moms turn to take care of her this week. my aunt, her main caretaker, is currently traveling. 

I have a lot of things to complain about that i can't say to anyone but i just really need to get it off my chest.

 i love my grandma, dont get me wrong, but it just feels suffocating because i have to basically give up my room to her. she currently occupies my bed and i sleep on the floor, so my back always hurts when i wake up even though my mom just got me a foldable mattress. i also can never really get privacy since she will come in at anytime to my room. worse still, since she moves around on a wheelchair, sometimes she moves the extension cord in a way that cuts the electric supply, effectively cutting power to my laptop. Due to a previous incident where she caused this while i was drawing and I almost lost the drawing i had worked hours on, I don't digitally draw anymore when she comes over.

now i dont even stay in my room much because it just feels so suffocating. (maybe its also because im on my period as im writing this but i get annoyed really easily, and as a result i really dont feel like talking to her cuz i feel like i would snap, and i dont want to hurt her feelings)

she watches youtube at nearly max volume so even with my headphones on, i would still hear what she's watching. so yeah im used to having peace in my room and now its all gone... the unfortunate timing is that my lil brother is also home for his sem break, if he wasnt home i wouldnt have had to give up my bed.

ive resolved to relocating my laptop to the living room, where no one really hangs out most of the time except my dad when he takes his naps. at least here its quiet and i dont have to worry about my laptop suddenly getting cut off. 

I know it's no fault of my grandma's, she has limited mobility and needs to move around in a wheelchair. like most older people, her hearing is also not the best so she needs things at higher volume. she also gets tired a lot so she needs to sleep a lot. her generation used to pass the time by chatting with each other about literally anything, and no silence is too awkward to break.  (oh speaking of, her memory also isnt the best so i get asked the same question every single day -- where is here? how did she get here? i feel so bad whenever i get annoyed at the questions, I know she cant help it but god.)

i know what anyone who reads this is going to say. appreaciate your grandma and spend time with her while you can, you should treat her kindly and patiently, and yes! i know! i just feel really annoyed and i need to let off some steam. I wonder if my aunt also gets like this sometimes. as my grandma's main caretaker, she spends the most time with her and can only work on the weekends where my other aunts and uncles take turns caring for my grandma. on weekdays, she's mostly at my grandma's house. being the caretaker for the elderly really isnt a light task. I know i wouldnt be suited to it, i'm too impatient and selfish for that lol. but i really do respect my aunt for being my grandma's main caretaker.

anyway. thats it really i cant tell anyone in my family cuz id just seem ungrateful, arrogant and unfilial. im just human, man. 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Confession

 I've never had anyone who desired me romantically. Ever since I knew what crushes were, I've had countless crushes on different boys. They didn't even have to be particularly good-looking -- I've had crushes on boys who had simply said 'hi' to me or just be a kind person. In primary school, I feel like I switched crushes every few days. Of course, children get crushes all the time. The thing is that I've never been on the receiving end of one -- from back then until now.  I've always thought that it was because I didn't fit the beauty standard in Malaysia -- fair-skinned, large doe eyes, a petite figure. I was tan, with smaller eyes, and I was self conscious about my crooked teeth. The friends I made growing up all seemed to fit the beauty standard in some way. I always thought that in every friend group I was in, I would be the ugliest and therefore be able to make my friends look prettier. My best friend growing up seemed to have interested boys a...
Read more

random thoughts at 4 am

sometimes i wonder if my parents regret having me. i think if they read this they would feel very hurt. but i can't help but wonder - was i worth all the pain and distress i caused them growing up? all the self inflicted problems i dug myself into, the times i drove my mother to tears until she couldn't help but just call my grandpa and cry. at one point in my life, i was a very difficult child. starting from that point in my life, i distanced myself from my family, thinking that they were all ashamed of me and that they knew what i put my mother through and disdained me for it. i still remember the time i refused to get out of the car to go to my aunt and uncle's house. my cousin had to step out and coax me outside, while my childish self was brewing with self-hatred and shame and guilt, thinking, why are you being kind? i don't deserve this. leave me alone. my cousin somehow managed to coax me out. i had hung my head in shame as my aunt and uncle conversed with my par...
Read more

random prompts

 you're alone and cold in your bedroom, the fan whirring as fast as it could go as it usually did. there's three tabs open in your laptop, one playing music that you've never heard before in a language you don't understand, but the melody is quite nice so you don't bother changing it. in the kitchen, someone tinkers with glassware and fills a cup with water. your eyes flutter, torn between staying awake and succumbing to sleep. the song changes to another song, the artist's voice raw and emotional as they pour their all into their art. you listen mindlessly, and before you know there's darkness. the dinner table is empty. your family is asleep, retired to their respective rooms with the late hour, but you're restless and anxious for something to happen. your reflection is dull and unclear in the scratched marble of the table, and your hands draw meaningless symbols as you lose yourself in your thoughts. when you lock eyes with a girl across the street, w...
Read more