Confession

 I've never had anyone who desired me romantically.

Ever since I knew what crushes were, I've had countless crushes on different boys. They didn't even have to be particularly good-looking -- I've had crushes on boys who had simply said 'hi' to me or just be a kind person. In primary school, I feel like I switched crushes every few days. Of course, children get crushes all the time. The thing is that I've never been on the receiving end of one -- from back then until now.

 I've always thought that it was because I didn't fit the beauty standard in Malaysia -- fair-skinned, large doe eyes, a petite figure. I was tan, with smaller eyes, and I was self conscious about my crooked teeth. The friends I made growing up all seemed to fit the beauty standard in some way. I always thought that in every friend group I was in, I would be the ugliest and therefore be able to make my friends look prettier. My best friend growing up seemed to have interested boys around her all the time. She would tell me about the love letters she got, the confessions she had, while I listened and oohed and aahed, unable to share my own experiences. At that time, as a child, I didn't think too much about it. I thought that some point in the future, I would be getting love letters of my own and confessions from boys.

It never happened.

Not once. 

I never took care of my appearance in high school. I just made sure to follow the dress code, and didn't really put in extra effort to be pretty. Even during special events, I never particularly tried and just wore whatever I felt like. My friend group was still made up of girls that I felt were prettier than me, and I was therefore making them look better by being the 'ugly' one. Of course I felt bitter about it, but I never held it against them. No one could control what features they were born with.  The boy I had a crush on in high school got himself a girlfriend - a pretty girl from another class who had beautiful doe eyes and a cute voice. When I found out I just hemmed and hawed, feeling a bit disappointed. But still, I told myself in the future that boys would have crushes on me too. At some point I'll be pretty enough for at least one boy to look my way, right?

Wrong.

During my diploma years, I put in a little bit more effort on my appearance. I didn't have money to buy new clothes, so I tried my best to style the things I did have. I put on bold eyeshadow, thick mascara, bright lipstick -- and still, nothing. Again, my friend group was made up of girls who I thought were prettier than me. It sounds terrible, but I felt jealous about the time one of them complained about getting cat-called. I regretted that feeling because harassment is never a thing to celebrate, but my self-worth at that time was at an all-time low. I quietly wore my bold makeup, hoping to catch someone's eye, all for naught. 

It's okay, I told myself, maybe I can change things once I start my degree. At that time I had already felt alienated from my friend group because there were too many coincidental times that they seemed to be spending time without me. I didn't want to continue my studies with them -- both since I didn't want a repeat of the alienation and also because I didn't feel right in fine art -- and when my mom offered me to register for a different university, I took the chance.  

I resolved to make a better first impression on the first day, and bought some new clothes. I had zero idea what looked good, and started following fashion influencers to get style inspirations. My makeup was the same level of thick as my makeup during my diploma years. When I made it to class, I felt overdressed since everyone else was wearing hoodies and jeans and basic t-shirts. Even so, I didn't manage to catch anyone's eye and only ended up feeling awkward in my bright, dressy clothes.

One perk from that moment is that I made a friend who reassured me about my style choices. That my faculty was made up of two types of people -- fashionistas and people who prefer comfort. And she was right - I did manage to see students in my faculty who dressed even fancier than I did. From that point, I made bolder and bolder fashion choices and started feeling more comfortable in my own skin. Some days I wore full-face of makeup, and some days I just wore eyeliner and lipstick. Some days I didn't even wear makeup at all -- but those days are quite rare since I got comments asking if I was sick, and wasn't that a blow to my already low self-esteem?

I made a friend who was a package deal with two guys. I couldn't speak to the guys since I initially found them intimidating and also had a minor crush on them. I spoke to them through the female friend I made, and only really opened up after a session of 21 questions where we all trauma-bonded with each other and also played an intense and hilarious round of Cards Against Humanity. I still spoke to the guys less than I spoke with the girl, but I could actually make eye contact instead of ducking away. I've never had guy friends ever since an incident in primary school, so I did have to readjust myself to be able to talk to them instead of just being awkwardly silent. These three are probably the closest friends I have at my current university.

There was one day that I had to be alone with one of the guys. We went to the cafe at our university together since he and I both wanted drinks. There was a long line so we sat down first to wait for the line to diminish a little.

I don't remember how we arrived at the topic, but I said that I've never been in a relationship before. And he was surprised, asking why. I told him, holding back tears and smiling stiffly, not meeting his eyes -- "I don't know. Maybe because I was always surrounded by prettier friends?"

I don't remember his exact response but he did say that I dressed well, and I didn't thank him. I felt like it was an empty placation. So what if I dressed well, if my looks weren't up to par? Who knows if he was being honest or just being nice. I wouldn't fault him though. 

I told myself that I was happier alone, that I didn't want to get married. I'm going to live a colorful life full of adventure and become the coolest aunt to my friends' kids, and I would be happy with it. That having a partner would be burdensome, that if I wanted affection I could just go and hug my friends. I didn't know it back then, but I was lying to myself.

 I downloaded an online dating application, with moderate expectations. The men I met there were either half-hearted, awkward, looking for a purely physical relationship, or just not looking for a commitment. In short -- a disappointment. There was one guy I talked a whole lot with, but he was only looking for something casual and didn't want to be committed. I still talk to him sometimes on Instagram. Nothing particularly flirty but he does seem to be a habitual flirt. 

When I look in the mirror, I see a plain face. I have prominent eyebags and tanned skin. When I angle my face and arrange my hair to fall in a particular way, I feel a little prettier. I could imagine someone looking at that angle of my face and finding it pretty. But I don't want to sacrifice my hijab just for someone to look my way. When I put my hijab on, though, my face looks much wider because my hair can't frame my face anymore, and I hate how I look sometimes.

When I worked part time, there was a guy who one of the other workers said found me pretty. I never believed her, because she had always been the teasing type, the type to pull pranks and jokes. And the guy had never indicated any interest before, plus I could swear I heard someone mention his wife or something. So, a big ew. I don't want a taken man, if he was ever even interested. 

There was a time I ate out at IKEA with my best friend for her birthday. We were chatting when she mentions a group of guys looking over at our table. I didn't look back at them -- if I did, they were probably looking her way anyway because she's pretty, fair-skinned, big doe eyed. Maybe it was for the better that I didn't.

Another incident. While I was taking my MUET test, I sat with a my mom's friend's daughter, who was about the same age. There was a time when we arrived at the hall where we would wait for our turns for the exam, and there was a guy who went up to us and introduced himself. I excitedly replied, before I noticed that he was turned more to my companion's direction. So I smiled bitterly and quietly excused myself. Of course he would want to talk to the pretty, fair-skinned, big doe eyed girl instead of the ugly lump next to her.

I've always thought that I was above this low self-esteem phase. That I could believe my friends and family when they said I looked beautiful. That I was a head-turner and someone definitely has a crush on me, they just haven't made themselves obvious yet.

I was dead wrong. I'm still stupidly, eagerly, hopelessly waiting for that confession or love letter that I told myself years ago I would get. Still comforting myself with a game where stunning men traversed time and space to be with me, who wouldn't ever think about being with other women, who spoke sweetly and did all the right things. Wishing they were real, that I would get someone as sweet as them. 

Maybe not in this life. It'll take time to accept that I really am not desirable, no matter how I dress or what makeup look I choose to wear. On the bright side, at least I'm free to do whatever and go wherever, and don't have to worry about whether someone is loyal to me or not. If love finds me, I hope it will be a sweet man who cares for me no matter how pretty or ugly I look. 

Sincerely,

a plain girl who grew up surrounded by beautiful friends.